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How to Take Your Marriage to Another Level - Part 2

Day 1 - Nov 11, 2024

One of the greatest gifts you can give your spouse is intentionality.

Make a commitment to regularly invest in your marriage. This means being deliberate about nurturing your relationship and prioritizing time together.

Embrace Your Personality Differences

It’s often said that opposites attract, and it’s true! We are drawn to qualities and strengths in others that we may lack ourselves. For example, it’s common for an introvert to marry an extrovert, or for a spontaneous person to partner with someone more structured. These differences can bring richness and variety to your life together.

However, while opposites attract, they can also lead to conflict. The very traits that initially captivated you can become sources of misunderstanding later on. In my marriage with Mandy, we have significant differences in our personalities. We often joke that I’m the gas and she’s the brakes—I can't wait for the next adventure and I love planning them, while Mandy's laid-back nature helps us stay grounded and present so we're not missing the moments.  Recognizing and utlitizing our differences has made for a great combo.  

Our unique qualities add depth and balance to our relationship, but if we’re not careful, they can also create tension. Embracing these differences with love and understanding is key to building a stronger, more resilient marriage.

Remember, intentionality and acceptance of each other’s differences can lead to a deeper connection and a thriving marriage.



Take Action

Understanding each other in marriage requires a serious commitment to communication and an appreciation for your personality differences.

  • Instead of letting these differences become points of contention, view them as valuable assets that can enrich your relationship.

Marriage reveals the many layers of our personalities, making it essential to express and understand them as you grow together. To deepen your connection, take the initiative to learn more about your spouse. Ask thoughtful, non-judgmental questions. Instead of simply asking what they like, dig deeper by exploring why they feel that way. Understanding the “WHY” behind their preferences will provide you with greater insight into their heart.  

Here are two ideas to enhance your understanding of each other:

  1. Personality Assessments: If you haven't alrready, consider taking a personality assessment together, such as the Enneagram or Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. Discuss your results and how your unique traits complement one another. This can foster appreciation for each other’s strengths and help you navigate any challenges.

  2. Shared Learning: Read a book or listen to a podcast together that focuses on communication and personality in relationships. Engaging with new ideas together can spark meaningful discussions and strengthen your bond, allowing you to grow as a couple.

By committing to understanding each other better, you’ll build a stronger, more harmonious marriage that celebrates your unique differences.

Day 2 - Nov 12, 2024

There Is a Difference!

When it comes to your marriage, are you behaving like a RENTER or an OWNER? Reflect on which one best describes your approach to your relationship.

Imagine you’re renting a home and discover a crack in the floor. You inform the landlord, who returns with troubling news: “It looks like the house has foundation problems. If you want to stay here, it’ll cost you $50,000.” As a renter, you would immediatley be looking for a new place rather than invest that kind of money into a property you don’t own.

In the same way, if you view your marriage as something you’re just renting, you might be quick to walk away when challenges arise. However, when you commit to being an OWNER of your marriage, you take responsibility for nurturing and repairing your relationship, no matter the cost.

Ask yourself: Are you ready to invest in your marriage as if you truly own it? Embrace the commitment and effort it takes to build a strong, lasting bond.

 



Take Action

Being an "Owner" of Your Marriage

Taking ownership of your marriage means actively embracing your role and responsibilities within the relationship. It involves being mindful of your words and how they affect your spouse, as well as consistently maintaining the health of your marriage.

What does it mean to be an Owner?

  1. Invest Regularly: Don’t wait for problems to arise before you take action. Reflect on the last meaningful thing you did for your spouse. This could be planning a special surprise, scheduling a consistent date night, or simply expressing appreciation. Small, intentional actions can strengthen your bond and show your commitment.

  2. Communicate Openly: Be proactive in discussing your feelings and needs. Effective communication fosters understanding and prevents misunderstandings. Make time to check in with each other regularly, ensuring both partners feel valued and heard.

Remember, your marriage won't improve on its own. It requires ongoing care and investment. Embrace the responsibility of being an owner, and together, you can build a thriving, loving relationship.

Day 3 - Nov 13, 2024

Taking Ownership in Your Marriage

Taking ownership in marriage is a crucial step toward building a stronger, healthier relationship. A counselor once shared with me, "The hardest psychological endeavor in couples therapy is taking ownership of perceived hurtful behaviors toward one's spouse." This insight has been invaluable for Mandy and me. It emphasizes both the challenge and the importance of accountability in a marriage.

Understanding Ownership

To take ownership means recognizing and accepting your role in the dynamics of your relationship. It involves being honest about your actions, feelings, and the impact they have on your spouse. This accountability is essential for growth and healing within your marriage.

Example of Taking Ownership

Consider a couple facing communication issues. During a disagreement, instead of pointing fingers, both spouses choose to acknowledge their contributions to the problem:

  • One spouse might say, "I realize I haven't been as open about my feelings lately, and that's contributed to this tension."
  • The other spouse could respond, "I also need to work on actively listening when you try to express yourself."

In this exchange, both individuals demonstrate a willingness to take responsibility for their actions. Rather than blaming each other, they focus on their own behaviors and how they can improve. This approach fosters a collaborative atmosphere where both spouses can work together to find solutions.



Take Action

Two Key Steps to Encourage Ownership

  1. Practice Honest Communication: Make it a habit to discuss your feelings openly and without judgment. Create a safe space where both of you can share your thoughts and concerns. Use "I" statements to express how you feel, which helps to avoid placing blame. For example, say, "I feel hurt when we don’t communicate regularly," instead of "You never talk to me."

  2. Commit to Continuous Improvement: Taking ownership is not a one-time event; it’s an ongoing process. Regularly check in with each other about your relationship. Ask questions like, "What can I do better to support you?" or "How can we improve our communication?" This commitment to growth reinforces the idea that you are both invested in the health of your marriage.

By embracing ownership, you create a foundation of trust and respect that can significantly enhance your relationship. Remember, it’s about working together to strengthen your bond and navigate challenges with love and understanding.

This approach not only emphasizes the importance of taking ownership but also provides practical steps for couples to apply in their own marriages.

Day 4 - Nov 14, 2024

Unresolved Past Pain: A Barrier to a Thriving Marriage

Unresolved pain from the past can significantly impact your marriage today. When you enter into your relationship with one foot out the door, it creates a fragile foundation. According to research, nearly 70% of couples report that unresolved issues from previous relationships affect their current marriage. This statistic highlights the importance of addressing past hurts before they escalate into larger problems.

When a significant issue arises, it may feel easier to pack your bags and run rather than confront the discomfort. Remember, this doesn’t mean you don’t love your spouse; it often means you’re trying to protect yourself from further pain.

To nurture a healthier relationship, it’s essential to focus on rebuilding trust and offering forgiveness. Ask yourselves:

  • What unresolved issues from the past might be affecting our relationship today?
  • How can we work together to restore trust and heal from past hurts?
  • What steps can we take to ensure that our love is stronger than our fears?

By engaging in open conversations about these questions, you can begin to address and heal from past pain, paving the way for a more resilient and loving marriage. Remember, healing takes time, but it’s a journey worth taking together.

 



Take Action

Are you sharing all the rooms in your home but not all the rooms in your heart? Imagine having a four-bedroom emotional home but only allowing your spouse access to two of those rooms. This can create a disconnect in your relationship.

  • Many of us close off parts of our hearts to protect ourselves from potential hurt. We become guarded, living a compromised life that limits intimacy and connection.

Reflect on this: Have you created enough space in your marriage to move forward, or are you holding back just in case issues arise? When past pain remains unresolved, it can lead to a mindset where you keep one eye on the door, ready to exit if things get tough.

It’s crucial to commit to working through these issues together. Remember, the challenges affecting your marriage may not originate from your relationship itself; they could stem from unresolved pain from the past.

If you find yourselves struggling to navigate these emotions, seeking outside help is a wise step. There’s no shame in reaching out for support to strengthen your marriage. Embracing vulnerability can lead to deeper trust and healing, allowing your relationship to flourish.

  • You need to be determined to work issues out.  The issues impacting your marriage may not stem from your marriage. It could be from an unresolved past pain.
  • Sometimes we need outside help, and no one should feel ashamed for seeking help.  

Day 5 - Nov 15, 2024

Time for a Quick Self-Examination

This week may have brought its challenges, and now is the perfect time for some self-reflection.

Ask yourselves:

  • Are you committed to your marriage for the long haul?

Viewing your marriage as an owner rather than a renter means actively engaging in addressing any issues that arise. A recent study found that couples who invest time and effort into their relationship are 50% more likely to report higher satisfaction levels. This commitment involves rolling up your sleeves, counting the cost, and working through difficulties together.



Take Action

Remember: You don’t have to face problems alone. Seeking help is a strength, not a weakness. Here are some steps you can take:

  1. Reach out to a trusted friend or pastor for guidance.
  2. Find a supportive church that offers resources for couples.
  3. Explore books or video teachings that address specific issues in your marriage.
  4. Consider seeing a marriage counselor if needed.

Reflective Questions for Engagement:

To deepen your connection and enhance communication, discuss the following questions:

  • What specific steps can we take together to strengthen our communication?
  • How can we create a safe space to discuss our feelings without fear of judgment?
  • What past challenges have we overcome together, and what did we learn from those experiences?
  • In what ways can we be more intentional about investing in our relationship?

Don’t let pride hold you back from improving your marriage. Taking proactive steps can lead to a deeper connection and a more fulfilling relationship. Embrace the journey together!