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Great Marriages Still Have to Deal With Times of Anger

Day 1 - Jun 29, 2020

Great marriages will still have times of anger. That’s just the way it is. Mandy and I have come a long way since recognizing the root and how to deal with anger.  

Anger is inevitable and anger is normal. It’s a human response. God gets angry. Jesus got angry and cleansed the temple. The Bible says, “Be angry and do not sin”.  Being angry and not sinning is foreign to most people because we usually associate anger with being out of control. The fact that you become angry is not evidence that something is wrong with you. The key is what you do with your anger.

Take Action

What do you do with your anger?  The Mayo clinic decribes 10 steps in dealing with anger.  Below are the first two:

1.  Think before you speak. In the heat of the moment, it's easy to Say or Do something you'll later regret.  Be sure to allow others involved in the situation to do the same.

2.  Once you're calm, express your anger.  As soon as you're thinking clearly, express your frustration in an assertive but nonconfrontational way. State your concerns and needs clearly and directly, without hurting others or trying to control them.

If your anger or your spouses anger is out of control to the point of abuse, seek professional guidance immediatley.  

Day 2 - Jun 30, 2020

What you need to understand is the difference between getting angry in the’s anger, and holding onto anger from the past. Today’s anger is manageable, but yesterday’s anger is toxic. That kind of anger is the most destructive force in marriage, period!  

  • We have to be very intentional about releasing anger from our relationship.

Take Action

Are you holding on to anger from the past?  If so, it needs to be dealt with. That doesn’t mean it wasn’t based upon a genuine injustice, but rather that it needs to stop controlling your future.  

Forgiveness is a powerful tool. If you allow anger and other negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you might find yourself swallowed up by your own bitterness or sense of injustice.

Day 3 - Jul 1, 2020

In Ephesians 4, the Apostle Paul describes anger and its ramifications. “Be angry, and do not sin,” he writes in verses 26 and 27. “Do not let the sun go down on your wrath nor give place to the devil.” In other words, he’s saying that we will experience moments of anger, but we have to be quick to resolve it.

If you don’t learn how to process and remove anger, it will destroy your relationship. Think of it like a new house with a hidden leak. Imagine you get married and move into a new home. You’re dreaming of a wonderful life together, but then a leak begins behind a wall, and you never deal with it.

One drop at a time, the damage grows. Mold develops. Over time, the toxic substance eats through the sheet rock and rots the wood until the wall collapses. When you let anger sit inside you, festering, you’ll eventually wake up and discover your house has been spoiled. Your heart has become hardened. Your marriage has lost its intimacy.

Take Action

Anger doesn't go away or get better simply by ignoring it. You need to address it in a calm, loving way.  Think about what may be the usual trigger points.  

Set a time to calmly "Talk those identifiable trigger points out" together.  Let the Lord guide you as to what the root of those anger feelings may be connected to.  Most importantly, truly listen to each other.  

Day 4 - Jul 2, 2020

Anger will build in intensity.

Like something under extreme pressure, it expands until it can’t help but burst out in the future. Something you could process and talk about easily today could turn into a massive fight a few months from now. That’s how anger “gives place to the devil,” as Paul wrote.

Unresolved anger begins to deceive you as it becomes more corrosive. It tells you lies about your spouse. It accuses. It turns your heart against the person you love most. God didn’t design us to be a repository for anger. He designed us to ventilate anger rather than store it.

That’s why the Bible is so insistent on forgiveness.  

Take Action

Take time to communicate.  If there isn’t a healthy way for it to be brought up, then eventually it will blow up.

  • Blow ups usually have calateral damage.  

If you can’t talk about a situation with your spouse without anger rising, then get help with your communication.  Shutting down isn't healthy and seeking help isn't a sign of weakness. It shows you truly want to get better.

Day 5 - Jul 3, 2020

When anger builds in the midst of a conflict - pick the right time and setting to talk it through.

  • Set your conversation up for success by waiting until you’re alone.
  • Wait until your emotions are under control.
  • Start with affirmation.

Say “I love you and I’m committed to our marriage but I need to talk with you about something.” It’s so important to communicate your feelings and discuss what made you angry. Get in the habit of treating anger this way on a daily basis and you’ll never reach the point where it becomes toxic.

Take Action

Set a regular time where you plan to discuss difficult topics. Remember, no one gets to dominate the agenda or the time.

Set you conversation up for better success by using the TPC method. "Time - Place - Content". Mutually set a Time and Place, as well as the Content you will discuss. No Surprises here!  Don't try to deal with to many issues at once.  Allow each person to pick 1 thing to put on the agenda.  Be ready to "Take a Break" if tension builds while talking.  

Don’t have this type of conversation on a Date Night!  Set another time to have these deeper conversations, and do it frequently.  Try every other week or once a month.