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Why We Marry Who We Marry

Day 1 - Jul 12, 2021

Most people think marriage is about the future.  

For some, marriage is a way to escape their past.  They think, “I want to find a person who will take me as far from my past as I can possibly get.”  But subconsciously, God has wired us the opposite of that kind of thinking. We naturally seek a person who will walk us back to our past so we can be healed.  

To illustrate this, I want to tell you the story of Dr. Harville Hendrix. He’s a best-selling author and psychologist who has appeared on the Oprah Winfrey show multiple times.  For years, Dr. Hendrix was the professor of marriage and family therapy at Southern Methodist University. During that period—during the 1970s—he divorced his wife after 16 years of marriage.  He was scheduled to teach a graduate class on marriage on the day his divorce was finalized. Several years later, Hendrix remarried. Early in their relationship, his new wife, the psychologist Helen LaKelly Hunt, asked him the obvious question: “You were the marriage guy.  Why did you divorce?” Hendrix didn’t have a good answer. In fact, that question had been haunting him for years. Hendrix and Hunt were both writers and researchers, so together they started looking into it. They wanted to figure out what makes couples fight.

Take Action

What is your trigger point to a disagreement with your spouse?  

  • Why do you think that topic upsets you?  
  • Do some soul searching and ask God to reveal to you what your deep emotion is that is attached to this topic.  
  • How can you handle it differently the next time it comes up?

Day 2 - Jul 13, 2021

“Why do we fight”, is something most couples ask themselves a great deal.  

Why do we keep fighting so much?  After eight years of research, Hendrix and Hunt came to a conclusion, which they shared in their best-selling book Getting the Love You Want.  The primary reason we fight is that we are all wounded from our past.  

Subconsciously, we are all looking for a spouse who has the best chance of healing us.   But, that‘s unfair to our spouse, and it’s unfair to you.  

Take Action

Realize that God is the only one who can heal us of our hurts or past.  

Have you been placing undue expectations on your spouse to make your pain go away?  If so, ask them to forgive you and take steps to identify the roots that cause any past hurts to resurface in times of disagreement.  

Day 3 - Jul 14, 2021

Most fights in marriages happen because husbands and wives are unaware of the wounds from their past.  

Subconsciously, we are attracted to people who push our buttons. Why? Because addressing those issues is part of the healing process.  Conflict happens when healing & growth are taking place in a relationship. In other words, couples fight because they’re in the process of healing each other.  But they don’t always understand what is happening.

You may continue to fight all the time because you’re constantly pressing each other’s buttons & irritating each other’s wounds.

Take Action

I’m for us, not against us” should be the mindset of both spouses in coming to an agreement.  

When you think of the good of the team, you aren’t concerned on who gets the score. It’s more exhausting to be about the “win” because truly that will only mean a “loss” for TeamUs.  

Healing will come when we take the competition out.

Day 4 - Jul 15, 2021

What happens when we move from wounding to healing?  

First, we have to understand were broken. I personally had to drop my tough exterior and admit I had deep wounds from my past.   Then we stopped blaming each other and stopped attacking each other. This is essential to healing. We had to allow ourselves the opportunity to complain without worrying about being attacked for it.  Once we could let go of that fear of attack, we communicated better. We became a safe place for each other.

Many spouses are wounded from feeling they aren’t valued.

Take Action

Have you reassured one another that you respect the other through a heart to heart conversation?  

  • You need to be a safe place for your spouse to share feelings or struggles without the worry of an argument surfacing.  Take a moment and JUST LISTEN!  Listening is healing in itself.

Day 5 - Jul 16, 2021

Commit yourself to cherishing each other.  

Many couples are opposites in so many ways. Initially, that may lead to a great deal of conflict.  Drs. Hendrix and Hunt found that we are wired to seek someone who generates that conflict so we can heal each other.  

Thankfully, God designed marriage to be a healing journey. He can heal your marriage too.

Take Action

Know that every marriage, no matter how short or how long they’ve been married, has and will continue to be a “work in progress”.  

Rest in the fact that God has you and your spouse in His loving Hands as you trust Him with all that concerns the two of you.

  • As soon as you have an opportunity, look your spouse in the eyes and tell them you love them and value them.