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Dominance Will Lead to Damage

Day 1 - Apr 20, 2026

Thank you for investing in your relationships and for valuing your spouse. Your commitment to nurturing your marriage reflects the love that Christ has for His church, and it is truly inspiring. - Stan & Mandy

In 1998, the famed psychology professor John Gottman released a fascinating study. For six years, he interviewed 130 newly married couples in a project about listening in relationships. He compared them to another group he had been monitoring for 13 years.

The purpose of the study was to gauge the effectiveness of a certain kind of communication, but in the process of researching so many couples, he came to an unrelated conclusion: The common element among the most successful couples was “Shared Control of the Relationship”. Or as the couples put it, “receiving influence from each other.”

The health of your marriage depends on the degree both of you are willing to receive influence from each other. That means control of the marriage is shared.

  • When one spouse dominates a relationship, that dominance creates damage.


Take Action

Which Category Do You Fall Into?

Even if we occasionally explore other areas, we generally fall into one of three categories in our marriages. Which one describes you?

  • Healthy: You give and receive influence from your spouse.
  • Unhealthy: You typically only receive influence from your spouse.
  • Unhealthy: You tend to reject influence from your spouse.

Let’s take a closer look at these dynamics:

  • Do you find yourself wanting to dominate the relationship because you believe you know what's best?
  • Do you fully trust your spouse?
  • Do you feel like your spouse dominates all the decisions?

As you reflect on these questions, consider answering “Why” you feel that way.

It’s Time to Listen!  If you want to be heard, start by listening. Listening to your spouse demonstrates that you value them. Here are some ways to enhance your listening skills:

  • Pay Attention: Focus on your spouse while they are speaking.
  • Hear the Heart: Go beyond merely hearing their words; strive to understand the emotions and intentions behind them.

By fostering a culture of mutual influence and active listening, you can strengthen your relationship and grow closer together in love and faith.

Day 2 - Apr 21, 2026

The Importance of Equality and Leadership in Marriage

Research indicates that the most successful families are those where the husband treats his wife as an equal while taking a leadership role in fostering the well-being of the home. In fact, studies show that children who grow up in such environments are more emotionally healthy, as they learn valuable lessons about leadership and collaboration. They witness their parents treating each other with respect and sharing input on important decisions.

Be a Leader, Not a Dictator

People are inspired to follow leaders who genuinely care, whereas they often feel fear towards dictators. The distinction lies in how much you value and respect those around you.

The Bible warns against controlling behavior in relationships: “In your anger do not sin; do not let the sun go down while you are still angry” (Ephesians 4:26, NIV). This scripture highlights the importance of addressing conflicts constructively rather than allowing dominance to create division.

As Proverbs 15:1 (NIV) reminds us, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” This scripture highlights the potential damage that controlling behavior can inflict on a relationship.



Take Action

Reflective Questions

  • If you feel dominated: What specific actions or words from your spouse lead you to feel this way?
  • If you find yourself dominating: How can you be more open to your spouse’s ideas and feelings?

Practical Action:  Plan a date with your spouse where you both choose the details together. Remember, it’s not about the activity, but about spending quality time and engaging in meaningful conversation. This shared experience can strengthen your bond and reinforce mutual respect.

By fostering an environment of equality and respect, you can create a healthier, more loving marriage that benefits not only you but also your children.

Day 3 - Apr 22, 2026

Embracing Equality and Leadership in Marriage

Most women desire their husbands to treat them as equals while also taking a leadership role, embodying a Christ-like spirit of love and sacrifice. This desire extends to important areas such as:

  • The family’s spiritual life
  • Discipline of the children
  • Financial decisions
  • Romantic relationships

Understanding the Difference: Leading vs. Dominating

Research shows that marriages where both spouses share leadership are more fulfilling and resilient. In fact, couples who engage in shared decision-making report a 15% higher satisfaction rate in their relationships.

A home dominated by one spouse—whether male or female—often leads to dysfunction. Some personalities are naturally more dominant, and if this behavior is unchecked, it can push the other spouse into a passive role. While the strong, overbearing personality may seem to win every argument, the truth is that no one truly wins in this dynamic.



Take Action

As Ephesians 5:21 (NIV) reminds us, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” This scripture emphasizes the importance of mutual respect and love in a marriage.

Questions we need to ask ourselves:

1. Is your personality accidentally making your spouse stay quiet when it comes to things like money, kids, or faith? What is one simple thing you can do this week to ask for her opinion and make sure she feels heard?

2. Being a strong leader means you don't always have to be right or have the last word. When was the last time you gave up an argument just so your marriage could win?

Steps Toward a Healthier Balance

  • For the Dominant Spouse: Make it a priority to ask your spouse for their opinion and genuinely listen to their thoughts. This fosters respect and strengthens your bond.

  • For the More Passive Spouse: Prepare for meaningful conversations by avoiding passive language. Consider setting aside time for a walk or a coffee date to discuss your concerns openly. Share your heart and thoughts candidly.

By striving for a balanced approach to leadership in your marriage, you can cultivate a healthier, more united partnership that reflects God’s love.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here is a clear, highly structured, and engaging presentation outline that you and Mandy can use for your Pre-Marriage Coaching sessions. It is designed to be easy to read, deeply impactful, and highly practical for the couple.

Pursuing & Protecting Your Spouse's Heart

Opening Statement: Mandy and I shared this statement early on with you, and we want to re-emphasize it again today: Never Stop PURSUING or PROTECTING Your Spouse's Heart. Marriage is not a finish line; it is a daily decision to actively chase your spouse and fiercely guard the relationship you are building together.

Part 1: PURSUING Your Spouse's Heart

When couples first meet, pursuit happens naturally. But as the years go by, the demands of life can make us lazy.

The Research on Pursuit: Well-established relationship research from the Gottman Institute reveals a powerful truth about pursuit. Couples who stay happily married actively "turn toward" each other's attempts for connection 86% of the time. In contrast, couples who eventually divorce only respond to each other 33% of the time.

  • When we DO pursue: We build a deep emotional bank account. Trust grows, romance stays alive, and the marriage becomes highly resilient to stress.

  • When we DON'T pursue: Couples slowly drift into "roommate syndrome." A lack of pursuit creates emotional starvation, making spouses feel unseen, unvalued, and vulnerable to outside attention.

The Biblical Foundation:

"Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works." — Hebrews 10:24 (NLT)

5 Ways to Continually Invest and Pursue Your Spouse

1. The 10-Minute Daily Check-In (Simple & Meaningful) Every day, spend 10 uninterrupted minutes talking about anything other than logistics, work, or the kids. Look into each other's eyes and ask, "How is your heart doing today?" It is a small daily anchor that keeps you connected.

2. The "Just Because" Gestures (Small) Pursuit doesn't have to cost money. Leave a sticky note on the bathroom mirror, send an encouraging text in the middle of a busy workday, or make their coffee exactly how they like it. These small acts say, "I am thinking about you."

3. Intentional Weekly Date Nights (Big & Consistent) Put a date on the calendar every week and protect it fiercely. Take turns planning the date so the mental load is shared. It doesn't have to be expensive—a walk in the park or trying a new coffee shop counts—but it must be intentional time focused entirely on each other.

4. Speak Their Specific Love Language (Simple) If your spouse feels loved through acts of service, doing the dishes is a form of romantic pursuit. If they need physical touch, holding their hand in the car is pursuit. Learn what makes them feel deeply loved and do it often.

5. Plan the Grand Adventure (Big) Once a year, get away from your normal routine. Book a trip, try a brand-new activity you've never done before, or go on a retreat. Shared new experiences release dopamine in the brain, recreating the spark of when you first started dating.

Part 2: PROTECTING Your Spouse's Heart

We Cannot Protect What We're Unaware Of. To guard your marriage, you have to know where the weak spots are. You are forming a team, and the enemy wants to divide that team.

The Biblical Foundation:

"Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life." — Proverbs 4:23 (NLT)

5 Ways to Protect Your Spouse's Heart

1. Establish Absolute Transparency Secrecy is the enemy of intimacy. Protect your spouse's heart by having open access to each other's phones, social media, schedules, and finances. When there is nothing to hide, there is nothing to fear.

2. Guard Your Outside Influences You become like the people you surround yourself with. Protect your marriage by distancing yourselves from "friends" or media that joke about divorce, speak poorly of marriage, or encourage you to hide things from your spouse.

3. Fight For Each Other, Not Against Each Other When conflict arises, remember that your spouse is not the enemy; the issue is the enemy. Protect their heart during an argument by completely eliminating name-calling, the silent treatment, and the threat of the "D-word" (Divorce).

4. Pray a Daily Hedge of Protection There is incredible spiritual power when a husband and wife pray for one another. Protect your spouse's heart by asking God daily to guard their mind, keep them from temptation, and give them strength in their specific areas of weakness.

5. Anticipate Their Vulnerabilities and Step In If you know your spouse is exhausted, step in and take over their chores. If you know they struggle with insecurity in a certain environment, stay close and affirm them. Protecting their heart means studying their weaknesses so you can be their shield.

Activation Exercise: Identifying the Targets

Because we cannot protect what we are unaware of, we are going to do a brief exercise right now to uncover where the enemy might try to create division in your upcoming marriage.

Instructions: Take an index card and a pen. Do not show your fiancé what you are writing until we are finished.

  1. Self-Reflection: On one side of the card, write down 1 to 3 areas where the enemy tries to attack YOU (e.g., feelings of inadequacy, a quick temper, fear of failure, lust, holding grudges).

  2. Spouse-Reflection: On the other side of the card, write down 1 to 3 areas where you think the enemy tries to attack YOUR FIANCÉ.

  3. The Exchange: Now, I want you to exchange cards. Look at what your fiancé wrote.

Take the next few minutes to discuss what is on these cards. Acknowledge these vulnerabilities together, so you can actively stand guard for one another.

Day 4 - Apr 23, 2026

Navigating a Dominant Marriage

If you find yourself in a dominant marriage, the first step is to be honest with yourself.

  • Acknowledge Your Reality: Don’t sugarcoat the situation. Admit to yourself, “I’m being dominated.” Recognizing this is crucial for moving forward.

  • Seek Help if Necessary: If the dominance has ever turned physical, it’s essential to seek professional help immediately. Your safety is the top priority.

  • Address Decision-Making Dynamics: If the dominance primarily revolves around decision-making in your marriage, prayerfully consider how to stand up for yourself. Seeking wise counsel can be beneficial in navigating this process.

Understanding the Balance:

A marriage is like a teeter-totter; your actions directly impact your spouse. You don’t need to wait for your spouse to change—initiate the change by standing up for yourself. This shift can alter the entire equilibrium of your relationship.



Take Action

Standing Up Without Confrontation:

Standing up does not mean being confrontational. Instead, aim to create regular opportunities for dialogue about important issues.

  • Schedule Discussions: This shouldn’t be a daily or even weekly occurrence. Consider having these conversations every other week or once a month. The key is to maintain a semi-regular schedule to prevent issues from escalating.

If you're unsure how to approach these discussions, don’t hesitate to seek professional guidance.

Mindset and Respect:  As you engage in these conversations, maintain a mindset of equality in your marriage. Show respect by speaking, listening, and responding thoughtfully to each other.

As Proverbs 15:1 (NIV) reminds us, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” This scripture highlights the importance of communication style in maintaining a healthy relationship.

Day 5 - Apr 24, 2026

What should you do if you find yourself in a dominant marriage?

A Personal Example of Transformation

Consider a couple I know where the husband’s dominance created tension in their relationship. When his wife finally had enough, she didn’t force the issue. Instead, she lovingly insisted on having a voice in their decisions.

This prompted him to confront his chauvinism, leading to healing and growth. He learned to value her input, and now he won’t make a decision without consulting her. Their marriage is significantly healthier as a result. While he still has a dominant personality, he has learned to manage it effectively.

This dynamic can also apply to dominant wives. Some women may not realize how their controlling actions can hinder their husband’s God-given role as head of the household.

I’ve witnessed marriages where husbands hesitate to speak up due to a domineering wife, which can create a cycle of insecurity that fuels her dominance. Wives need their husbands to lead with love and strength, providing the confidence and security that is often their top emotional need.



Take Action

Reflecting on Your Marriage

  • Is Your Marriage Equal?
  • Are You Both Influencing Each Other?
  • Or Does One Spouse Dominate?

Remember, you are not in competition with one another. You are a team and together, you compliment each other.

Pray and ask God to help you change your perspective and address any dominant habits. Seek to foster value, peace, and restorative balance in your relationship.

As Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 (NIV) reminds us, “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.” This scripture emphasizes the strength found in partnership and mutual support.