Dominance Will Lead to Damage
Day 1 - Mar 17, 2025
Thank you for investing in your relationships and for valuing your spouse. Your commitment to nurturing your marriage reflects the love that Christ has for His church, and it is truly inspiring. - Stan & Mandy
In 1998, the famed psychology professor John Gottman released a fascinating study. For six years, he interviewed 130 newly married couples in a project about listening in relationships. He compared them to another group he had been monitoring for 13 years.
The purpose of the study was to gauge the effectiveness of a certain kind of communication, but in the process of researching so many couples, he came to an unrelated conclusion: The common element among the most successful couples was “Shared Control of the Relationship”. Or as the couples put it, “receiving influence from each other.”
The health of your marriage depends on the degree both of you are willing to receive influence from each other. That means control of the marriage is shared.
- When one spouse dominates a relationship, that dominance creates damage.
Take Action
Which Category Do You Fall Into?
Even if we occasionally explore other areas, we generally fall into one of three categories in our marriages. Which one describes you?
- Healthy: You give and receive influence from your spouse.
- Unhealthy: You typically only receive influence from your spouse.
- Unhealthy: You tend to reject influence from your spouse.
Let’s take a closer look at these dynamics:
- Do you find yourself wanting to dominate the relationship because you believe you know what's best?
- Do you fully trust your spouse?
- Do you feel like your spouse dominates all the decisions?
As you reflect on these questions, consider answering “Why” you feel that way.
It’s Time to Listen! If you want to be heard, start by listening. Listening to your spouse demonstrates that you value them. Here are some ways to enhance your listening skills:
- Pay Attention: Focus on your spouse while they are speaking.
- Hear the Heart: Go beyond merely hearing their words; strive to understand the emotions and intentions behind them.
By fostering a culture of mutual influence and active listening, you can strengthen your relationship and grow closer together in love and faith.
Day 2 - Mar 18, 2025
The Importance of Equality and Leadership in Marriage
Research indicates that the most successful families are those where the husband treats his wife as an equal while taking a leadership role in fostering the well-being of the home. In fact, studies show that children who grow up in such environments are more emotionally healthy, as they learn valuable lessons about leadership and collaboration. They witness their parents treating each other with respect and sharing input on important decisions.
Be a Leader, Not a Dictator
People are inspired to follow leaders who genuinely care, whereas they often feel fear towards dictators. The distinction lies in how much you value and respect those around you.
The Bible warns against controlling behavior in relationships: “In your anger do not sin; do not let the sun go down while you are still angry” (Ephesians 4:26, NIV). This scripture highlights the importance of addressing conflicts constructively rather than allowing dominance to create division.
As Proverbs 15:1 (NIV) reminds us, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” This scripture highlights the potential damage that controlling behavior can inflict on a relationship.
Take Action
Reflective Questions
- If you feel dominated: What specific actions or words from your spouse lead you to feel this way?
- If you find yourself dominating: How can you be more open to your spouse’s ideas and feelings?
Practical Action: Plan a date with your spouse where you both choose the details together. Remember, it’s not about the activity, but about spending quality time and engaging in meaningful conversation. This shared experience can strengthen your bond and reinforce mutual respect.
By fostering an environment of equality and respect, you can create a healthier, more loving marriage that benefits not only you but also your children.
Day 3 - Mar 19, 2025
Embracing Equality and Leadership in Marriage
Most women desire their husbands to treat them as equals while also taking a leadership role, embodying a Christ-like spirit of love and sacrifice. This desire extends to important areas such as:
- The family’s spiritual life
- Discipline of the children
- Financial decisions
- Romantic relationships
Understanding the Difference: Leading vs. Dominating
Research shows that marriages where both spouses share leadership are more fulfilling and resilient. In fact, couples who engage in shared decision-making report a 15% higher satisfaction rate in their relationships.
A home dominated by one spouse—whether male or female—often leads to dysfunction. Some personalities are naturally more dominant, and if this behavior is unchecked, it can push the other spouse into a passive role. While the strong, overbearing personality may seem to win every argument, the truth is that no one truly wins in this dynamic.
Take Action
As Ephesians 5:21 (NIV) reminds us, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” This scripture emphasizes the importance of mutual respect and love in a marriage.
Steps Toward a Healthier Balance
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For the Dominant Spouse: Make it a priority to ask your spouse for their opinion and genuinely listen to their thoughts. This fosters respect and strengthens your bond.
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For the More Passive Spouse: Prepare for meaningful conversations by avoiding passive language. Consider setting aside time for a walk or a coffee date to discuss your concerns openly. Share your heart and thoughts candidly.
By striving for a balanced approach to leadership in your marriage, you can cultivate a healthier, more united partnership that reflects God’s love.
Day 4 - Mar 20, 2025
Navigating a Dominant Marriage
If you find yourself in a dominant marriage, the first step is to be honest with yourself.
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Acknowledge Your Reality: Don’t sugarcoat the situation. Admit to yourself, “I’m being dominated.” Recognizing this is crucial for moving forward.
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Seek Help if Necessary: If the dominance has ever turned physical, it’s essential to seek professional help immediately. Your safety is the top priority.
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Address Decision-Making Dynamics: If the dominance primarily revolves around decision-making in your marriage, prayerfully consider how to stand up for yourself. Seeking wise counsel can be beneficial in navigating this process.
Understanding the Balance:
A marriage is like a teeter-totter; your actions directly impact your spouse. You don’t need to wait for your spouse to change—initiate the change by standing up for yourself. This shift can alter the entire equilibrium of your relationship.
Take Action
Standing Up Without Confrontation:
Standing up does not mean being confrontational. Instead, aim to create regular opportunities for dialogue about important issues.
- Schedule Discussions: This shouldn’t be a daily or even weekly occurrence. Consider having these conversations every other week or once a month. The key is to maintain a semi-regular schedule to prevent issues from escalating.
If you're unsure how to approach these discussions, don’t hesitate to seek professional guidance.
Mindset and Respect: As you engage in these conversations, maintain a mindset of equality in your marriage. Show respect by speaking, listening, and responding thoughtfully to each other.
As Proverbs 15:1 (NIV) reminds us, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” This scripture highlights the importance of communication style in maintaining a healthy relationship.
Day 5 - Mar 21, 2025
What should you do if you find yourself in a dominant marriage?
A Personal Example of Transformation
Consider a couple I know where the husband’s dominance created tension in their relationship. When his wife finally had enough, she didn’t force the issue. Instead, she lovingly insisted on having a voice in their decisions. This prompted him to confront his chauvinism, leading to healing and growth. He learned to value her input, and now he won’t make a decision without consulting her. Their marriage is significantly healthier as a result. While he still has a dominant personality, he has learned to manage it effectively.
This dynamic can also apply to dominant wives. Some women may not realize how their controlling actions can hinder their husband’s God-given role as head of the household. I’ve witnessed marriages where husbands hesitate to speak up due to a domineering wife, which can create a cycle of insecurity that fuels her dominance. Wives need their husbands to lead with love and strength, providing the confidence and security that is often their top emotional need.
Take Action
Reflecting on Your Marriage
- Is Your Marriage Equal?
- Are You Both Influencing Each Other?
- Or Does One Spouse Dominate?
Remember, you are not in competition with one another. You are a team and together, you compliment each other.
Pray and ask God to help you change your perspective and address any dominant habits. Seek to foster value, peace, and restorative balance in your relationship.
As Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 (NIV) reminds us, “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.” This scripture emphasizes the strength found in partnership and mutual support.