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Unpacking Our Spats: What’s Under the Surface?

Day 1 - Jan 27, 2025

Recognizing the Core Fears the Enemy Tries to Use Against Us

Gary Smalley is recognized as a marriage hero, and his insights into relationships have deeply influenced many couples, including Mandy and me. In his book The DNA of Relationships, he introduces the concept of "The Fear Dance." Smalley highlights the importance of being aware of the core fears that the enemy tries to use against us, as these fears can significantly affect our decision-making and how we respond to our spouses.

If these fears are not confronted and addressed, they can shape our actions and reactions in ways we may not even realize, ultimately affecting the dynamics of our relationships. However, by recognizing and actively working through these fears, we can cultivate healthier and more loving interactions with our spouse. It’s a journey that requires intentionality, but it's one that can lead to deeper connection and understanding.

Core Fears in Marriage:  Statistical data shows that nearly 70% of couples experience recurring conflicts tied to underlying fears and insecurities. Typically, husbands and wives have different core fears that can trigger misunderstandings and arguments. For men, common fears include helplessness, feeling controlled, failure, and disrespect. For women, fears often revolve around disconnection, feeling unappreciated, not being heard, or not being valued.

Understanding these fears is crucial. Each spouse's core fears can shape how they react in challenging situations. Take a moment to reflect on what drives your responses during conflicts:

  • Men: Are you struggling with feelings of helplessness, a fear of being controlled, concerns about failure, or a sense of disrespect?
  • Women: Are you grappling with fears of disconnection, feeling unappreciated, not being heard, or lacking value?


Take Action

Recognizing how these fears influence your decision-making is essential for healthier interactions.

In 2 Timothy 1:7 (NKJV), we are reminded that "God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." This verse offers a powerful promise that we can lean on when fear begins to take hold of our hearts and minds. Instead of letting fear dictate our actions, we are called to embrace love and sound judgment in our relationships.

Questions that Need Answers:

  1. What specific core fear do you recognize in yourself that may be contributing to your arguments, and how can you address it constructively?
  2. How can we create a safe environment for open communication, allowing both of us to express our fears without judgment?

By understanding your fears and leaning on God's promises, you can navigate your conflicts with greater compassion and connection.

Day 2 - Jan 28, 2025

Understanding the Fear Dance

In marriage, communication and connection are essential. However, many couples find themselves trapped in a cycle known as the "Fear Dance," described by Gary Smalley. This cycle consists of four repeated steps:

  1. I Hurt
  2. I Want
  3. I Fear
  4. I React

This cycle can create emotional distance and misunderstandings between spouses, leading to conflict. According to a study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family, nearly 40% of couples report that their biggest challenges arise from unresolved conflicts and miscommunication.

Breaking Down the Fear Dance

1. I Hurt - Everyone experiences hurt; it’s a natural part of life. When issues arise in a marriage—such as financial stress, parenting disagreements, or emotional distance—it can lead to feelings of pain and vulnerability.

2. I Want - In our hurt, we desire relief. We want the pain to stop and seek solutions to restore harmony in our relationship. However, this desire can lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms.

3. I Fear - Fear often comes from a concern about losing control or facing further hurt. Many couples may fear rejection, abandonment, or even the dissolution of their marriage. This fear can be paralyzing and lead to avoidance behaviors.

4. I React - How we react to fear is crucial. Negative reactions can escalate conflicts and create a self-perpetuating cycle of fear and hurt. For example, if one spouse withdraws when feeling fearful, the other may perceive this as rejection, leading to further conflict.

Expounding on "React": Instead of allowing fear to dictate your responses, take a moment to breathe and reflect. By understanding that your reaction stems from fear, you can communicate openly with your spouse. Share your feelings honestly, stating, "I am reacting this way because I’m feeling fearful," rather than allowing your spouse to feel blamed for your emotional state.



Take Action

Biblical Foundation - The Bible offers timeless wisdom on dealing with fear. Philippians 4:6-7 (NIV) states, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." This scripture reminds us that, through faith and prayer, we can find peace amidst our fears.

Confronting Fear Together - By standing in faith together, couples can confront their fears rather than avoid them. This involves recognizing the reality of their situation while aligning their perspectives with God's truth.

Questions you need to ask?

  1. For the Individual Spouse: What specific fears do I bring into my marriage, and how do they affect my reactions to my spouse?

  2. For the Couple: How can we create a safe space to discuss our fears openly, without judgment, to strengthen our emotional connection and understanding of each other?

Day 3 - Jan 29, 2025

What Would You Do?

Imagine a scenario where a psychologist, dedicated to his profession, is at work when his wife calls to ask when he'll be home for dinner. He promises her a specific time. However, as he leaves the office, he encounters a patient in crisis,threatening suicide. As a specialist, he jumps into action, ultimately saving a life. But in doing so, he misses dinner and fails to communicate his delay to his wife. When he finally arrives home, he is met with anger instead of gratitude, leading to a significant argument.

While there may be rare moments when communication is impossible, it's crucial to prioritize connection with your spouse. Even a brief message about a change in plans can go a long way in maintaining trust and understanding. Remember, it's not just about the urgency of your job or issues; it's about the respect and honor you show your spouse.

Effective Communication is Vital:  Ephesians 4:29 reminds us, "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." This verse emphasizes the importance of speaking in ways that honor and uplift our spouses.



Take Action

Statistics show that poor communication is a leading cause of marital strife. 

Questions thst need answers:

  1. For Individual Spouses: How can you better prioritize communication with your spouse, especially during stressful times?
  2. For Couples: What strategies can you implement together to ensure open lines of communication, even when life gets hectic?

Heavenly Father, we come before You, seeking strength and wisdom in our marriage. Help us to communicate openly and lovingly with one another. May we honor each other’s feelings and needs, reflecting Your love in our words and actions. Guide us to establish clear boundaries and values that strengthen our bond. In Jesus’ name, we pray. Amen.

Day 4 - Jan 30, 2025

A Lesson in Communication: Jenna and Tom's Getaway

Jenna and Tom had been eagerly anticipating their weekend getaway to celebrate their anniversary. Jenna was excited, reminding Tom to come home early and finish packing, and he assured her he would be ready on time.

However, as the afternoon wore on, Tom became engrossed in a major work project he had been trying to finalize for months. With the clock ticking down to their departure, Jenna sent several texts to check in, but Tom was too absorbed in his work to notice.

With each passing minute and no response from Tom, Jenna's excitement began to fade into anxiety. She wondered if he truly cared about their plans. Was work more important than their special trip? Her thoughts spiraled: Why hasn’t he replied? Is he having second thoughts? Does he even care about me?

Finally, after completing his project and receiving praise from his boss and his team, Tom looked at the time and realized he was late. Rushing home to finish packing his bags, he was unprepared for the scene that awaited him. When he entered the house, he found Jenna sitting in the living room visibly disappointed.

Jenna felt unimportant and undervalued. All she wanted was the quality time they had planned together, but now she feared Tom cared more about his job and promotions than their relationship.

On the other hand, Tom felt a wave of guilt and frustration wash over him. He had intended to finish his project and be on time, believing he was working hard to improve their lives, allowing them to take even greater future trips. Yet, all he saw was Jenna’s hurt, and he felt misunderstood. Instead of gratitude, he was met with disappointment.

This breakdown in communication shows how easily intentions can be misinterpreted when we fail to connect with each other. Both Jenna and Tom ended up feeling isolated and questioning whether the other truly cared. It serves as a powerful reminder that prioritizing open communication is essential, especially during significant moments in our lives.



Take Action

Both spouses felt a form of rejection in each other's actions and reacted accordingly.

This is the "Fear Dance," often leading to the deepest conflicts in a marriage. When communication breaks down for any reason, couples can go through four phases—unless they find a way to reconnect.

Phase 1 - Imagination: This phase can be brief, as it's hard to maintain positive thoughts for long when communication falters.

Phase 2 - Frustration: As imagination shifts from positive to negative, frustration begins to take hold.

Phase 3 - Elimination: To avoid further frustration, individuals may suppress their true feelings and start to eliminate the possibility of future pain. This is where couples lose Unity and settle for simp[le Union.  Example:  You may still share all the rooms in your house, but you stop sharing all the rooms in you heart.  You find margin in your marriage to cope with the possibility of pain.  

Phase 4 - Obliteration: At this point, feelings of hopelessness or fear become overwhelming, leading one spouse to declare, "I can't take any more; I'm done."

To break this cycle, it's essential to never start the dance. Make every effort to communicate with each other before the fear cycle begins. Be quick to apologize when communication breaks down.

Questions for Reflection

  1. What fears or assumptions are we holding onto that might be affecting our communication?
  2. How can we create a safe space for open dialogue to prevent misunderstandings in the future?

Day 5 - Jan 31, 2025

Guarding Each Other's Hearts in Marriage

In marriage, it is vital for couples to intentionally guard each other’s hearts through proactive communication. When we communicate openly and regularly, we give the enemy “no place” to sow confusion, doubt, or fear in our spouse’s mind. Consistent touch points—like sending texts, writing small notes, or leaving brief messages on your spouse’s phone—can strengthen your bond and lead to a rich and healthy marriage.

Paul reminds us in 2 Timothy 1:7: “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” Instead of allowing our fears to damage our most important relationships, especially our marriage, we must surrender them to God.

Recognizing and Overcoming Fear:  It’s essential to recognize where fear tries to grip you. If you’ve spoken or acted out of fear, take responsibility for any hurtful actions that may have resulted. Acknowledging these moments paves the way for healing and understanding.

Trust God to cover those fearful thoughts with His peace. 



Take Action

Is fear impacting your marriage? Instead of letting fear take root, invite the Lord to fill your heart with His love and strength. With His help, you can overcome any fear that threatens your relationship. This transformation will not only change you but also positively affect your spouse and your marriage.

By being intentional in your communication and actively guarding each other’s hearts, you can escape the cycle of the “Fear Dance.” Commit to nurturing your relationship with love and understanding, and watch it flourish.

Fun Practices for Stronger Connection

  1. Weekly Check-In Dates: Set aside a specific time each week for a casual check-in. Use this time to share highlights from your week, discuss any concerns, and celebrate each other. Make it feel special—perhaps over a favorite dessert or at a cozy café!

  2. Surprise Notes: Leave unexpected notes for each other in places where they’ll be found throughout the day—like in a lunch bag, on a bathroom mirror, or in a jacket pocket. These little surprises can bring joy and remind your spouse of your love.

  3. Communication Jar: Create a jar filled with fun questions or prompts that encourage deeper conversations. Pull one out during dinner or while relaxing together, and let the conversation flow naturally. This keeps communication fresh and engaging, turning it into a fun and interactive experience!