Taking Your Marriage to Another Level - Part 2

Try these 3 steps first:

1. Hit the “Pause” Button
When your spouse brings up a problem, don’t immediately try to defend yourself. Take a moment to really hear what they are saying. Try to understand their point of view before you start crafting your response.

2. Acknowledge What Was Said
Instead of arguing, let your spouse know that you heard them. Simply showing that you were actually listening tells your spouse that you value their feelings.

3. Change Your Focus
Many men feel like they have to handle everything on their own. Because of this, when a spouse asks a question or suggests a solution, some men feel like they are being undermined or "attacked." Change your mindset: your spouse isn't attacking your ability; they are trying to help the team.

Don't get into a tug of war about you, or your spouses failure to apologize.  Keep an open heart and believe the best in each other.

• Now, take a moment to ask yourself: "Am I seeking a genuine connection, or just an apology?"
• And as a couple, consider: "How can we communicate our feelings without focusing on needing an apology?"

Typically tension dictates the timing, and increases the tone in most conversations.  

Tension builds so it feels that NOW must be the time, and tone is magnified to make sure everyone hears it and feels it.  But it's rarely productive.  This typically conversation causes everyone to go into our default style of communication, which is to "Defend & Attack".

No one wants pain.  So, we will defend ourselves from pain and if necessary go on the attack.  

• Mutually pick a Time when Tension has decreased so Tone is appropriate.  
• Slow down your speech
• Turn down your volume, and 
• Try to make your point in three sentences or less.
• Ask, "Am I making since?  I want to make sure you hear my heart and not just my words"

Of course, longer conversations are sometimes necessary, but they'll go better if you practice lightness and brevity on a daily basis.

GET HELP if needed!  Everyone needs help navigating some issues.  

Your actions speak louder than your words. 

Keeping promises strengthens your bond and builds trust in your relationship. As the Bible says in Proverbs 25:14: “Like clouds and wind without rain is a man who boasts of gifts never given.” This reminds us to be true to our word.

So, who is getting your best—your spouse or someone else? Remember, keeping your promises makes your marriage stronger!

• Now, take a moment to ask yourself: "What promise or commitment have I made recently that I need to follow through on?"
• And as a couple, discuss: "How can we create a system to support each other in keeping our promises and commitments?"

Handling these matters can be difficult, but it’s not impossible. The important thing is to avoid these two major mistakes:

1. Avoiding conflict at all costs. If you don’t have a healthy way to bring it up, it will eventually blow up.

2. Escalating conflict into chaos. You need to find ways to talk about your worries calmly, rationally, and constructively.

Be willing to make changes for your spouse, but never give up your core biblical values, beliefs, and priorities under pressure. If you adopt an "anything goes" policy, your marriage and sense of self-worth will suffer.

Remember, it’s better to face issues together than to let them build up!

Perry and Wynne,

I know you’ve talked to some wise people about everything, and Mandy and I are praying for you all. Sending Asher to a rehab center is a really tough choice, and it must be heart-wrenching. I understand that the advice you’ve gotten helps prepare you for the many feelings you might go through.

What many people don’t see is just how many emotions parents feel when making a decision like this, and it doesn’t stop there—it continues afterward too. Just remember to trust in the Lord and lean on each other during this time.

This is undoubtedly a difficult journey, but by relying on faith, maintaining open lines of communication, and providing mutual support, you and Wynne can navigate these challenging emotions while trusting for healing and hope for Asher. The biggest take away I want you both to hear is that you all are not alone as you walk through this season.  

I hope this information helps and I know it's most likely what you've already heard, but I wanted to share it with you.  

Stay Strong!

Stan & Mandy

A counselor once told me that, according to Christian principles, it’s normal for parents to feel a mix of emotions. Here’s a quick overview of what you might feel and some ways to cope while staying together:

Emotional Steps Parents Might Experience

1. Shock and Denial

   • What Parents Might Feel: Initially, parents may feel shocked that their child's behavior has escalated to this point.
   • Coping Strategy: Acknowledge feelings without self-judgment, seek support from trusted friends or spiritual leaders.

2. Guilt and Shame

   • What Parents Might Feel: Parents might question their choices, wondering if they could have done more.
   • Coping Strategy: Reflect on God's grace and forgiveness. Engage in prayer, seek passages like 2 Corinthians 12:9, which speaks to God's strength in our weakness.

3. Anger and Frustration

   • What Parents Might Feel: Anger towards the situation, their child, or even themselves.
   • Coping Strategy: Allow oneself to express anger in healthy ways, such as journaling or talking with a counselor. Pray for peace and understanding (Philippians 4:6-7).

4. Sadness and Loss

   • What Parents Might Feel: A deep sense of grief for the loss of the relationship they hoped to have.
   • Coping Strategy: Engage with a faith community that fosters support. Remember that God can bring new beginnings (Isaiah 43:19).

5. Hope and Acceptance

   • What Parents Might Feel: Eventually, parents might start feeling hopeful about their child's recovery.
   • Coping Strategy: Focus on scripture that encourages hope and perseverance (Romans 15:13).

Actions for Maintaining Unity

1. Communicate Openly

   • Discuss feelings, fears, and hopes with one another. Honest dialogue fosters understanding.

2. Pray Together

   • Regular prayer for each other and for the child instills a sense of unity and purpose.

3. Educate Themselves

   • Learn about the rehabilitation process together. This builds a mutual understanding of what to expect.

4. Stay Informed

   • Keep in touch with treatment providers for consistent updates, so both parents feel involved in their child’s healing process.

5. Encourage Each Other

   • Remind one another of the importance of their decision and the hope for recovery.

Things Parents Should Do

• Seek Professional Guidance: Work with counselors who are sympathetic to Christian values.
• Set Boundaries: Maintain healthy boundaries with the child regarding expectations during treatment.
• Stay Grounded in Scripture: Use the Bible as a source of comfort and guidance during challenging moments.

Things Parents Should Avoid

• Blame Each Other: Avoid pointing fingers at one another, which can fracture the parental partnership.
• Ignore Emotions: Suppressing feelings can lead to resentment and emotional disconnect.
• Rush to Judgment or Solution: Allow the child time to heal and grow; rushing can lead to setbacks.